“It's nighttime. Ship's move by some terrible power at terrific speed. And though it's imperceptible in the darkness, I have an intuition that we're headed towards a shore. No one else seems to be aboard the vessel. I'm keenly aware of my aloneness. [quoting Hamlet] “’I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams’" (Lincoln 2012).
For many years of my life, I was completely unaware of where I was going or what I would amount to. However, the one thing I was certain of was that I felt very much alone. Sure I had made some friends over the years, but many of them would abandon ship and once again I would be “keenly aware of my aloneness” (Lincoln 2012). It was not until recently that I realized that I put myself on this ship because I did not put as much energy as I could have into relationships. I was so caught up in the cruelty that I suffered from others that I never noticed the nutshell was something I had put myself in. Little did I know how much of my life was about strike ground upon a new shore, but the trick is that first I had to notice it.
It’s daytime. Ship’s move by some calming power at a calming speed. And through unrevealed light, I have the urge to pee and so I headed towards the bathroom. Absent minded that a gift had been laid upon the vessel. I’m keenly aware of nothing. “If you can look into the seeds of time, and say which grain will grow and which will not, speak then to me (Macbeth/Lincoln 2012).”
However, when I emerged from my bathroom I had missed seeing the gift entirely. I was caught up in the routine that one goes through usually when relieving himself. I headed down the stairs and my wife looks at me with this sparkling eyes look like she expected something wonderful from me. What she was looking for was an emotional reaction, but that seed did not grow just yet. I was not ready to speak this truth then because she sent me back to the bathroom because there was something that she wanted me to be keenly aware to. So I entered the bathroom alone and looked around bewildered at why I had return to this place so soon. Upon the sink counter lay a bell that read “World’s Greatest Daddy” and two positive pregnancy tests.
It is a few moments later. Ship’s move by some brisk power at a brisk speed. And through a new light, I felt the intuition of an old dream, which had just struck an awaken shore. There seems to be someone else on this vessel. I am keenly aware that I am not alone. “We have heard the chimes of midnight, Master Shallow.' I'm here to alert you [sir] that the great day of reckoning is nigh upon [you]” (William Shakespeare/Lincoln 2012).
Down the stairs I flew down to my wife like a child on Christmas morning and I was filled with some forgotten joy. That I could be alerted to such a blessing and in fact this news came around actual Christmas, so what a present indeed! As you have journeyed down this blog of poetic wanderings and the story of the day I found out that I was going be a father, you may be asking, “What does this have to do with Autism?” Well the original form of the Lincoln quote that started this blog, which I rewrote a few times to illustrate how this event changed my life. It is how I felt like being on the spectrum and as this blog has trucked along, I wanted you see how fatherhood has changed my view on how Autism affected me. So thus rang that little blue daddy bell, on the day that Sky Gabriel Huber came into my life and changed it forever.
It is seven months later. The ship move’s by some swift power at swift speed. And through an otherwise clear light I am headed to the shore of fatherhood. With my wife and
son aboard this vessel. I’m keenly aware of who they are. “Euclid's first common notion is this: Things which are equal to the same things are equal to each other. That's a rule of mathematical reasoning and its true because it works - has done and always will do. In his book Euclid says this is self-evident. You see there it is even in that 2000 year old book of mechanical law it is the self-evident truth that things which are equal to the same things are equal to each other” (Lincoln 2012).
What does this mathematical reasoning have to do with Autism and Fatherhood? Growing up I had a real hard time connecting with other people and making friends. A lot of things looked like an equation to me. Also, I was bullied a lot by my peers and it left me very untrusting of other people because I thought that they would do harm me in some way. I would sit hunched over like I was always expecting to get attacked by other people verbally and physically. However, there was one thing that I could trust and that was family, the people that love me and always there for me no matter what. So from an early age, I wanted to have a family of my own because they would be my friends forever. Now I knew this wasn’t the typical thoughts of a young boy, but family is what I could relate to back then. Family are the people that despite all my social awkwardness, I could connect with in a way that is often hard for people on the spectrum, which is displaying the appropriate emotions. Basically, my idea is that if I had family of my own I would feel equal other people. That having my own family would somehow complete Euclid’s Notion for me. Family is the place where I felt safe to learn how to express my emotions and I had a safe place to live.
Some people have kids because that is what society deems we should do, but I wanted to have a wife and kids because that way I would always feel loved and I had a place to belong to. Before these last couple of years, I never thought I would be equal to those people who did things the way society told them to, or could I do better? Because this is the same society often looks at what I have, Autism, as some kind of death sentence.s Yet here I am completing Euclid’s notion and creating a family of my own. So by becoming a father I have started standing tall and I have become self-evident to my own truth. That I now have the confidence to relate to other people in the world who are and are not just my family, but who are co-workers, friends, and strangers because I have same confidence they have. Where did I get this confidence? I got it by having my own family because I realized what gift they have given me, which is the strength to trust that I am equal to others.
Now to my son, I propose a big pair of questions to you: “Do you think we choose the times into which we are born? Or do we fit the times we are born into (Lincoln 2013))?” Now I do not have answer to either question quite yet, but coming from a man who never felt like he never fit in, I must say I fit in now. I have found my role in the world as a husband and soon-to-be father, so son, where do you fit in? You who have yet to be born. You have not lived the life that is to come. I am your dad, Sky. How will you discuss me as you get older? Will I be known as the Wiseman? The Tyrant? The Writer? The Goofball? Or will I be the father who gave you a great childhood and let be your true self? Once I had only dreams about having my own family. When I learned you were in your mother, you were just a small ball of cells, which made me fear that “anything more than a whisper and [you] would vanish…[you] were so fragile (Gladiator 2000).” And all these months later, I have watched you grow, get stronger, and you are going be born this summer. I have busted out my would be nutshell and claim to myself that I have found a place where I can have only good dreams. I get to be your father Sky and I will make sure that you will never feel alone.